May 6th, 2017
As some days are good and some days are bad, I am not totally aware of how aware you are of your diagnosis of Dementia, of that the reality is that you are losing your memory, slowly, but surely. I am not doing this to hurt you, but to rather bring to your attention what no one else seems to have the ability to do. As an intelligent woman you are, I hate to see people continue to downplay your intelligence.
Some days are rather simple where you simply repeat yourself, from a story about your childhood to a repeated question, just little things. However, mom then it escalates to you believing there are two Angela’s, two Justin’s, that I was born in 1974 and Angela was born in 1989. From you thinking Justin is a little boy still when he is nearly a young man. I do not know if you are aware of these impressions you believe, but they are repeated almost daily.
You are starting to ask me who Angela’s father is, even her mother. You have wandered off when myself or dad have left you out in public, this why we fear leaving you alone in public as it is such a big world out there. None of this is your fault, I know dad loses his temper, but I do not because I know this is behaviour you cannot control. I rather me have to sit with you in Dr. Leung’s office like I had to the other day then the idea of you getting lose in public and us having to put you in a home. I just cannot live without my mom.
I need you more than anyone, not as a caregiver but as my mother as you are still someone I still lean on a lot even if your memory is not all there. You can be going off on whatever it may be, but I pretend it is like the good old days, us just talking like mother and daughter. You are my light at the end of the tunnel, you just keep me going when my health is shit because you know. God put us together for a reason, I know it.
One day you might even forget who I am, as what commonly happens with Dementia, as hard as that will be for me, I refuse to leave your side. You have never left my side and I owe you the same. In spite of everything going on my love comes first, you can keep repeating yourself, forget when I was born, and all of the above, because that does not matter at the end of the day, what matters is our love and our family being supportive. So I choose to support you and love you.
I LOVE YOU!!!