Sometimes when the words of others influence you, they truly get to your head in the deepest way possible. Until yesterday, I did not realize that the words of my two oldest siblings had gotten the better of me in regards to my middle sister. You could honestly say that it was like I had been brainwashed, which my two oldest siblings know better when I suffer from various forms of mental illness. For the most part, I am stable with the occasional mood swing, but lately things have been more challenging for me emotionally.
My middle sister who is constantly being attacked and who I verbally attacked, I love her more than anything as she is always there for me and always has been. When I realized what I had done I felt horrible, shaming the one siblings who loves me unconditionally when my two oldest siblings have walked away as they claim I am using our parents and that I am mental. As my two oldest siblings do not talk to me, they might not know that my left leg bone is fighting a major infection and that taking the bus right now is very hard. All they do is judge, and that is what I did to my middle sister yesterday.
In the end, it turns out that I am the one that has more problems than anyone else in this family. With my mental health and physical health it does not always dawn on me that I am really ill. I know my middle sister has always promised that if anything happened to our parents that she would care for me, but I cannot burden her with my health as it is too great of a burden for her when I am just her sister, not her child and she already has her son to look after, so she does not need to look after me too.
Going or making the decision to go into a group home is not an easy decision, there is a lot I will have to give up, but I refuse to burden my middle sister with my poor health.
Life is hard sometimes and comes with hard decisions you have to make. Sigh… Life.