My Life With a Biological Mother

At 30 weeks gestation it was announced that the fetus in my biological mother’s womb had a brain disorder known as Hydrocephalus. With my biological mother being only 26 at this point of her pregnancy, there were a couple of option left, to follow through with a late term abortion, to place the infant if she were to survive into foster care and hope they would find her a good home to be loved and cared for, or to attempt to rise this baby girl themselves. At this point  my biological parents who were 19 and 25 at the time went as far to get married before the baby was born. Now they were married with no intention of keeping the baby girl that was about to be born.

30 weeks gestation had arrived and to save my life to the best of their ability Neurosurgeons operated to placed a shunt in my brain that would help the spinal fluid keep a continuous flow through my head and body without damaging my brain any further. My biological parents still at the time were given grim news to my progress in life, that I would never walk, talk, hear or see. I know how any parent that is beyond devastating to hear, but to simply give up on your infant in the hospital, not even taking one photo of her, not even giving her a first name, to me it feel like they never gave a crap about me from the moment I was conceived. To me in my eyes it seems that to you I am just a huge fucked up mistake. That you wish you never met me, that I will never measure up to be the biological daughter that you were looking for.

I will just be that fucked up mental retarded that was spoiled beyond belief by the Morgan’s, who will never make anything in terms of being an adult. That by your standards my parents have never been You have done nothing but put my parents down, that they never met up to your standards of living when it came to rising their daughter, even though you referred to me as your daughter. You loss that right when you signed the papers 28 years ago. Sorry, I was the mistake of your life.

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Chronic Urticaria… You Say What?

On a family trip in January of 2001, myself, my sister Angela, our mother and my sister’s newborn son were all headed to Alberta, Canada to visit a family remember. Now until now I had never had any allergies of any kind, nothing. So we ordered pizza one night back at the motel and as usual thought nothing of it. Then I could feel my feels starting to swell, along with with my lips. Then I went to the bathroom to find that I was covered in these strange bumps. I had no idea what they were until, but my mom and sister sure did. Course of treatment, Benadryl. My sister headed out in a snowstorm to get me some relief. The hives went away and we thought that was the end of it, WRONG!

I started having episodes of breaking out of hives at home at random times, daily. We started tracking everything I ate. drank, did, but nothing make sense to us. So my GP sent me off to an Allergy Specialist. I thought to myself, today my misery is going to end only to find out that would be, short lived however. Dr. Ross Chang did discover a slight allergy to cheese, but nothing that would see to the hives that I was having. He of course ask about family history which I did not know at the time having not met my biological parents. Once I did meet them a few years after all this my biological mother Dayna let me know she had suffered from dairy allergies in particular milk allergies.

Once all dairy was taken out of my diet the hives went away until 2003 when BANG! They came back, I had not been consuming dairy, so back to the allergy specialist for more testing, but nothing showed up in any of the testing that was done. So now it was time to see my GP to see what he thought was the next step. This time there was a chance my hives were not allergy base and more autoimmune base.

So my GP made a referral to Rolfe Luongo a Rheumatologist. My mother happened to had seen him at the same time for one of her medical condition, Rheumatoid Arthritis. Dr. Luongo started me on a medication called Plaquenil which over time took the hives away, but my hives were labeled as Autoimmune Hives, meaning my immune system turns on itself and because I have an overactive immune system.

As those medication such as the Plaquenil do not work anymore, my hives come and go into remission every 3 to 6 years lasting a year to 2 years in between, No Reactine, Benadryl, Steroid, nothing works to stop the itch, I am on my own.

 

 

 

 

My Birth “Monster”

February 6th, 1989 at approximately noon, I entered this world I whole ten weeks early. At the time my “birth monster” wanted an abortion, but it was by far too late. My “birth idiot”, my birth father in other words had no clue what to do, can you blame him, he just knocked up an older woman who no longer wanted to carry his child because she was not “perfect”. Sick right?

Yet, my birth monsters still got married at the ages of 19 and 26 because that somehow was going to make everything better, like come on, what were their brains merged into one? They were looking for the perfect family and I the innocent infant ruined that. Therefore, that signed over their  rights, they did not even give me a name, truly shows you the lack of carelessness that came from them both. When you choose to have sex and if you produce a baby you give up that right to be a teenager or young adult, you must grow up and face your actions as an adult.

I am blessed God placed me in the home in here and not with you, the McPhails. You will never be forgiven.

Peace.

Roots to A Name

Of course there is always an importance to one’s name such as, who named you, how you got your name, why that name and so forth. When you are adopted, so many more factors come into the picture as sometimes adoptive parents will change your name, or add on a new first name and make your first name your middle name.

Here is my name story.

Born on February 6th, 1989, my birthparents abandoned me in the hospital due to my poor health and made the decision to place me for adoption. Until recently, I had always been told that my biological parents had named me, however, that was far from the truth, In fact, it was the nurses on the ward that named me at the time “Katie Jane”.

When my adoptive parents met me, they decided to combined the names Katie and Jane making my first name “Katiejane”, adding in my adoptive mother’s mother middle name and my mother’s sister’s name Elizabeth as my middle name, an honour and then my last name Morgan.

So for the longest time the people who brought me into this world, I thought were the people who named me, but finally at the age of 28 years old, I learn the truth. Better late than never.

 

Borderline Personality Disorder & Relationships

Finally, at the age of twenty-eight, a revolution has hit me, like a semi-truck. As so many relationships around me have crumbled due to boundaries being broken, not respected and pushed to the point of no return. At first it started with friends, and then I got use to friends walking away, then when my own sister Jennifer walked away there was a phase of denial to what was really going on as I refused to admit the truth behind the crumbling of our sisterhood. Yet just tonight, I was forced to face the truth head on and confess the truth to my other sister Angela.

I started e-mailing my sister Jennifer all the time and phoning her regardless of the boundaries she had put in place, yes, almost like a form of harassment you could say. Okay, not almost, it was like harassment. At the present time I did not see myself as doing anything wrong, just a sister reaching out to another sister. When I look back, I see the red flags, the numerous and piteous phone calls, the countless e-mails on one given day. Deep down it is truly not my intention to harm or harass anyone, especially my own sister, but now it is too late and she had parted ways with me and wrote me out of her life.

I understand that I have only myself to blame, but these behaviours are apart of BPD or Borderline Personality Disorder. As much as I try to form healthy relationships, countless attempts become broken due to my destructive ways, linked to my illness, that is the truth.

From my biological mother and family, to my former Vice-Principal and Principal, All these individuals have walked away from my harassment and needy like behaviour and although it is apart of my illness, I have only myself to blame. Why did this hit me all of a sudden? As due to that fact that my sister Angela, I drained her out repeatedly showing no compassion for what she has done for me. The idea that my behaviours linked to this disorder could push her away, that would kill me.

Peace out.